Rollin Dirty

By day, I am mild-mannered (mostly) Ashley. But what you might not know is that I have an alter ego…Smashley, the heroically amusing drunk. People get jealous of other people who have had the honor of meeting Smashley. The legends of her escapades are told to captive audiences, longing for a glimpse of this creature.

Well…this weekend Smashley came out.

I went to Pismo with Boyfriend and the Rollin Dirty crew. It was a wind-blown, sleep-deprived mixture of motors, alcohol and offensive language. On Friday night, I rolled off the back of Boyfriend’s quad and nearly broke my neck. On Saturday, I sat on the beach for most of the day while the boys tried to break their necks. But on Saturday evening, I got a little brave…or stupid. I asked Boyfriend to show me how to jump. I just wanted a little one. Just a little tiny one. He chose some ridiculously steep dune and I lost momentum halfway up the thing. He told me to hit it faster. Apparently I did. When I came off the top of that hill I had the sensation of floating through the air. When I landed I looked back at Boyfriend, staring in disbelief. He showed me my tracks…I had jumped 25 mother-effing feet. I, being me, burst into tears and started shaking and we promptly rode back to camp where Boyfriend bragged to his friends and I poured myself a drink.

This was the first inkling that Smashley was lurking about. After finishing an entire bottle of margaritas it became obvious that she was present and accounted for. She danced like the little monkey for the crowd and passed out sometime shortly before dawn.

Morning came, and I got to deal with the repercussions of that crazy bitch. So, if you go to Pismo and you see a bunch of evenly spaced sand mounds near the end of the beach…beware…Smashley makes me sick…a lot.

Oh-Eight!

Yeah…so '07 had its ups and downs…but all in all…in the top 50th percentile of good years. '08…now this is a different story. It is gonna ROCK! How do I know? Because…here is my list of resolutions that are going to aid in making 2008 the greatest year of Ashley’s life to date. I will:

• Blog more - I know this is the most important one to you. November wore me out…but I am back.
• Not go crazy - This is key. I did a pretty good job this year and the year before. But '04-'05…yipes stripes.
• Get a few more friends - Not that my current three friends aren’t enough…but I would like to be able to have enough people to put on my myspace top 4 to not include my sister’s ex-cat’s space. Miss you Fred.
• Win the lottery - You might say…that is a stupid resolution…you have no control over that. Well you might be right…but I have just as much chance of winning the lottery as improving my diet and exercise habits so why not?
• Get out of scary debt and into that good kind of debt that people talk about - Yes…I admit it. I am one of those morons who bought a house that she really can’t afford and is presently being reamed by my mortgage payment. Save the lecture…I know it by heart. So I am gonna take advantage of our brilliant president’s misplaced pity and get me a better loan.
• Train my monsters to be dogs - I watched the Dog Whisperer marathon…piece of cake.

So yeah…'08…it is gonna ROCK!

October is National Reach Out and Touch Someone Month

It is also the start of a flurry of busyness for me that will last for at least three more months.

So the question is: Why do I choose early October to reach and touch people? It is like a crazy pattern for me. Late September and early October…I don’t know if it is the ending summer or the contemplative mindset leading up to my birthday…whatever it is…it causes me to look up old friends and reconnect.

This year was no different. I managed to reconnect with at least six long-lost friends. Now what? Well I am too busy to maintain those renewed connections, so they will go by the wayside until next year.

In the meantime I have emails amounting in my inbox from these people, wondering why I am such a tease…email them once and never call again. Those emails mock me and make me feel like a bad person.

So what do I do? I blog about it instead of using these ten minutes to email them back. Reasonable choice…right? Yeah I know...I suck.

Shut Up Inner Ashley! I Can’t Hear What the REAL People are Saying

It is a wonder that I have any friends at all. Seriously, I don’t like meeting new people. Not because I don’t like people, but I hate the awkward conversing parts. It is so much easier to talk to people who get me or have a clue what I am talking about.

It is hard to talk to a person when your inner monologue is moving as fast as your lips are, saying, “Why did you say that? That sounds stupid. God shut up! You are talking too damn fast. That sounded bitchy. Did you just roll your eyes? God! Why DID you say that? First impressions loser.”

A little look into my brain. A little self critical I know, but aren’t we all. That may be why I enjoy this blogging thing. I can write what I mean. Yes, text can be misinterpreted, but at least I have the opportunity to hit the delete key when something completely moronic flows from my fingers.

Your Corndog is Made of What?

I have a friend, bless her heart, who has a very sad illness. Actually, I don’t know that she is sick, but she has one symptom in particular that really does worry me.

She can’t taste.

Today she told me about this wonderful healthful “peanut butter” that is made from sunflower seeds instead of peanuts (so it is really sunflower butter) that “tastes great.”

When she talks about this type of healthy “just like the original” replacement food, I take it with a grain of salt…or whatever she uses instead of salt.

Splenda, veggie burgers, dairy-less cheese...nonsense! This girl eats soy corndogs…I mean…wtf? There has got to be something wrong with her…right?

I am starting a charitable organization (still working on a name…thinking something like For Crying Out Loud Give that Girl Some Flava…ok…I like one…we will go with FCOL GGSF) to collect junk food and supplies to help cure this horrible disease.

Together we can help stop the madness and give the gift of flavor.

Memories...

You know those friends…

The friends that you were so close to in high school that you thought you would live next door to one another, raise your kids together and start a folk jamboree with the 7 year old on the tambourine and the 2 year old prodigy on the triangle?

Those friends are great. What is particularly great about those friends is that, even after no contact for years, you can still hook back up and pick up where you left off.

First Comes Love Then Comes Marriage...

No post for three days, heartbreaking I know. And to make it even worse…this post isn’t funny. So sorry. If you want a laugh, wait til tomorrow. For today…I’m waxing philosophical.

I spent my labor day in Oregon, a place I swore never to return to, celebrating the marriage of an old friend. Being 25 is a rough time in the realm of love and marriage. It feels like everyone that I went to school with is getting married and having kids. One by one, all my friends are getting married off. And for the most part, I am cynical. I don’t know why…I didn’t come from a broken family…but I find it difficult to not enter the pools of “how long will it last?”

But the wedding that I attended this weekend was different. Although very close when we were children, the bride and I had drifted a apart over the past 20 years or so, and just recently began communicating more. This wedding was beautiful. Every detail, every tradition, everyone was seamlessly included to make the most wonderful celebration.

They one thing that seemed absolute as my friends shared this multi-day wedding, was that this was “for real.” I never once doubted that these two people would be together forever. They are the most beautiful team. I found myself getting choked up over and over at this wedding, not the norm for this hardened realist. But what these two people have is unbreakable and fulfilling and extraordinary, the kind of thing that wakes a person up at 3:00 a.m. and forces them to write about it.