Update

I started this entry with the obligatory "long time, no blog," but that is lame...so let's skip that part.

I am a busy lady. And on my priority list, blogging falls right below brushing my hair, and I can't remember the last time I even did that. But I am testing a hypothesis that my cathartic bitching here makes me a more pleasant person to be around in real life.

If I can make myself in any way less of a pain in the ass to the people that I love...I am down.

So here goes...

Let me catch you up on what has happened since my last post...which was...holy hell...a year ago! Time flies and all that.

Well, I'm still with Boyfriend, but we have given him a promotion. That's right, we are getting married in August. Weeee! In light of his upgraded status, I should change his name to Fiance (said with some silly french accent and written with some silly french accent mark that I can't find on my keyboard), but I find few words as obnoxious as that one, so instead we will call him “Boyfriend+,” until the big day.

In preparation for the biggest day of my life (seriously…this is gonna be some crazy circus of wedding...just ask my mom) I, of course, went dress shopping. When the girl at the first bridal boutique suggested that I might be better suited at the big and tall bridal shop down the road, I decided it was diet time.

My super special diet involves lean protein with tiny amounts of fruits and veggies. Sounds good...in theory. The day they handed me the list of things that I was allowed to eat, I snorted out loud. Hmmm...fish...turkey...pork (bacon doesn't count)...eggs...basically everything I don't eat. There were a grand total of two things on the list that sounded mildly appetizing to me...chicken and fat free cheese. The problem is that fat free cheese doesn't sound too bad...until you realize that all the cheese that you believed to be fat free, was really just low fat. In fact, fat free cheese is some heinous cheese knock off. Imagine the consistency of tofu with less flavor and orange food coloring...that sounds tasty compared to fat free cheese. But then again, chicken breast isn't exactly my ideal replacement for my Lucky Charms. So yeah...the diet it is working...that’s what happens when you can't eat anything. Oh yeah...and the gallon of water a day. Do you have any idea how much freaking water that is?!?! A lot of freaking water. I don’t even like water…is that wrong? But I do think that is helping with the weight loss because I have to get up to pee every ten minutes.

So here I am, a year later…20 pounds lighter, a year older, getting ready to marry the man of my dreams and happier than ever.

Life is good...but that doesn't mean I have to stop complaining does it? We will get right on that tomorrow (or maybe the next day…don’t want to be too ambitious).

Fatty Fat Fat Fat

You know how you have those days where your normal pants feel like your skinny pants and as you button that top button you wonder if they were mistakenly put in the dryer on high heat? And you have to do squats and lunges before you can bend over to put on your shoes? And you look in the mirror and see your puffy face and tell yourself that you are just bloated and that in a couple days that will all be gone?

Yeah…this is not one of those days. I thought I went through all those girlish-figure changes back in college when I discovered that I could no longer eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But let me tell you, the wardrobe that fit me just fine a month ago…not so much anymore.

“Oh you’re just being dramatic,” you might say. But no, I have proof. Yesterday, I wore a cute little blouse that I have had forever. Unfortunately, I couldn’t button it, but I wore it anyway (layering is my friend). It has these cute little cap sleeves with button closures. I sat at my desk typing away and I noticed that I was making more and more typos. My arms were falling asleep. I looked at my arms ballooning out of my sleeves and realized that if I didn’t do something fast…I might have to amputate. You won’t even believe what I had to do…I unbuttoned my little decorative buttons on my cute blouse. Do you hear me!?!? I had to unbutton my mother-effing sleeves!?!? There is fat and then there is so fat you have to unbutton you sleeves fat.

So if muffin tops and camel toes ever come in fashion, give me a call, I would be happy to give you some pointers.

C IS FOR COOKIE!

COOKIE MONSTER HAPPY!

Every year Sister and I make Christmas cookies. An obscene number of Christmas cookies. We roll it, pat it, and mark it with a B and put it in the oven for Sister and me…or something like that. This year we scaled back…instead of ten batches (yielding 50 cookies each) we went with six this year.

My house has been transformed into the magical world of Cookieland. Green and blue, red and yellow…sparkles and sprinkles….doesn’t matter cause it tastes like yumminess. I don’t know why we even bother decorating them for Christmas…they are always gone before the actual day. I think one time when I like seven, we had one cookie left for the fat man on Christmas Eve. I didn’t get any extra presents from that shit and so that was the end of that nonsense.

So first day…I ate like 30 cookies…and it started to make me a little sick (understandably). But I rallied and consumed another 30 or so today. Way to pack ‘em on heifer.

NOM NOM NOM!

COOKIE MONSTER PUKEY!

Nom Nom Nom

Well I answered my own question…to get ice cream…a girl has to go to Safeway and buy it her damn self. So that is what I did. And I am well on my way to meeting my weight goal (gaining not losing).

I am feeling much better now that I have some nummies in my tummies (yes, us cows have multiple tummies), but that is not the highlight of my day. The COOLEST part about the holidays…not vacation or turkey or ugly sweaters…it is Peppermint ice cream. OMG! Sooooo good. I don’t know why the stores think it is only for Christmas time…it is good year-round. I could eat it EVERY day! It is like crack without the nasty side effects and illegality.

For those of you have not tasted the wonderful goodness of peppermint ice cream let me share its secrets with you. The chilly pink creamy treat is mixed with ribbons of sugary red and green peppermint-flavored goo and chunks of candy cane. A masterpiece on its own, but mix that with some chocolate sauce or better yet, add some milk and a few candy canes and blend that shit up and you have the best milkshake ever.

Ok…time to eat my lunch…guess what it is gonna be…

UPDATE: The downside of peppermint ice cream is when it is fed in extreme quantities to someone who is lactose intolerant (like myself), rumbling will ensue.

A Fine Line Between Love and Torture

I went to Target last night after work. I did my normal path…I started looking at purses and scarves and hats, moved on towards cards and candles, breezed through house wares, dillydallied in the sporting goods and came face to face with my nemesis…doggie section…dun dun DUNNNNN!

As much as I tell myself that purse dogs and animals in sweaters are ridiculous…I am drawn to the array of designer doggiewear that sits before me. Gus likes clothes (maybe he doesn’t, but I tell myself that he is cold and needs to wear a sweater when we go to the outside hour-long puppy good citizenship class) and so he has his pumpkin costume (cause he’s my little punkin’) that he puts up with for the 15 minutes that I make him wear it to take a picture with my phone and send it to everyone I know.

Talulah…different story. She even chews holes in her leash…she is not a fan of constricting cloth. But while at target I found this…OMG…how can I resist? Luckily…all of the remaining costumes were in teacup size, so she got of scoff free…this year. But then I went online and found this…next Halloween is going to be AWESOME!

I continued my trek through the Target store and past the mountains of Halloween candy without buying any…ok fine…I bought a bag…ok fine…I bought three…but they were on sale…three for $5…and who cares if I didn’t have a single kid come to my house last year…maybe this year will be different…either that or I will eat three bags of candy by myself…again. Tis the season…for pulling out the fat clothes.

From the Depths of the Bottomless Pit

I’m STARVING!

I love my family, but there is one particular aspect of family outings that sucks. My family eats. They eat so freaking much. Family vacations are centered around where we will eat next. My dad actually planned a stop for dinner at Hal’s Eat ‘Em Up in Red Bluff, CA (a real gem) on the way to Oregon. Eating out three meals a day for three days is exhausting.

But aside from exhausting it sets a dangerous precedent. I have received a great deal of criticism for my stomach stretching theory. But it is proven right here. I just ate my normal two eggos for breakfast and I am still hungry. So I eat a nectarine…still freaking hungry. Eating with my family over the long weekend has apparently stretched my stomach to the size of…I don’t know…something big. So now I have to deal with the insatiable aching cavern that is my belly for at least a few days until it shrinks back down to normal size.

But until then…I AM STARVING!